February 5, 2011

Lately, all of the girls (and I do mean all of them) at my school have been wearing odd boots. …They kind of look like something an Eskimo would wear.

As a humiliation.

Because he murdered his child.

I did some research on them and apparently they are called “Uggs”. …How ironic.

There are two things I think of when I think of the word “Ugg” (yes, I do think of things when I think of things):  The first thing I think of is the word “ugly”. The second thing I think of is someone saying the word “Uhg…”, as in “Uhg…why is everyone wearing Uggs…I’m going to get sick..”

I don’t know why, but I hated them from the minute I saw someone wearing them. They just don’t look right. Picture a pretty girl from the face down. First, picture a smiling face. Now a nicely fitted shirt. Now a skirt.


Those are Uggs, my friend. And if your life depended on walking down the hall of my school and seeing a girl without them, you would be a burnt cookie.

I hate them! Why don’t they wear….I don’t know..heels? Flats? Or something? Something that doesn’t make you look like a hobbit? It baffles me! And they cost so much…as in more than $70! This proves that just because something costs your soul plus tax doesn’t mean it’s worth it.

It looks like a giant blob of…something..is trying to eat their legs! …Especially when they tuck their pants into them.

And what is worse than a big hairy boot? OF COURSE! A big hairy boot with big hairy pom-poms dangling from them! Ah, yes……the pom-poms. How I hate thee. Not only do they look ridiculous, just hanging there…but I can also think of millions of ways they could play a major role in killing you. What’s that? You don’t have balls of parasite-infested “fur” hanging from your boots? Oh really? You have BEADS hanging from your boots? Well WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! Don’t worry! You are excused from my wrath!


Whenever I see those things I just want to run away from you…like you’re some kind of yeti. Screw zombies! This year it’s going to be “ATTACK OF THE YETI HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS”. I can just see it now…the hero (me) will escape because the yeti girl drowned in her own….boot-fur.Yeah…

…Apparently they were worn by surfers because they needed something to soak up the sweat and salt water from their feet while also keeping them hot. Mmm…doesn’t that sound SIMPLY SCRUMPTIOUS.

People wear them today in Australia around the house.You know, like slippers? It took a while, but I started to realize that this isn’t just a bad fad….this is part of the invasion of pajamas upon America. Even now I am picturing a girl with pajamas and Uggs on, walking to McDonalds. And you know what the scary thing is? It seems perfectly fitting (no oxymoronic pun intended).

Yes, the initial purpose of the ugg boot was to keep you warm. Which is odd because while I was doing research, I stumbled upon an article, “How to care for your Uggs” One of the items mentioned was to keep them away from water or snow.

Some reasons I hear as to why girls wear these abominations include:

“They’re comfy!” “Huggy!” “Pimpy!” “Spiffy!” “Warm!” “Nice!” “Fun!” “Sexy!” (!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!!!!!!!) and…yeah that’s it. So basically other than having a warped sense of fashion, they like them for emotional reasons. Maybe if men acted decently to ladies these days they wouldn’t have to turn to satanic things like Uggs for support.

And we would have a lower suicide rate.

And we would become immortal.

And life would be groovy.

Here is a poem I made up about my hatred for Uggs:

Oh, look…it’s another person wearing those boots.

… (poetic pause!)

Maybe next I will make fun of those tubular jackets that make you look like the Michelin Man. Maybe. …Just…maybe.



2 Responses to “Uhgg…”

  1. cjoyjump said

    Oh man. It’s been far too long since you enlightened us with one of your infamous blog entries. I was starting to go through withdrawal.

    This is just brilliant. I am going to tell all my friends about it, haha.

  2. Beth said

    This…had me laughing.

    Personally, I’m a fan of not spending a week’s pay on a pair of boots. But I /do/ like the look. Sorry. 😉

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