Brob and Conformity

December 3, 2010

Here is a story about holidays. The one character in this story has a name. His name is Brob. Brob is a slightly exaggerated American. Also, if you find that I put an apostrophe in the word “New Years Day” (as you would type it), it is because I am implying that the new year owns that particular day. If you would like to disagree with my literacy theology, then please inform me of your hatred for me and we can settle it with a friendly debate and some rum.

After Christmas, is over, and the only thing Brob gets is scissors and deodorant, he starts to make “new year resolutions”. New year resolutions are resolutions that people with damaged brains make. You see, because starting something sometime other than day one of a given year is too chaotic for their minds, they must conform to stop bad habits on day one of the year. One of the reasons I believe they do this is because the number “1” is perhaps the easiest number to picture in one’s mind. You could argue that zero is the easiest number to picture, but Brob and the number zero have the same general structure and shape…and it would be very confusing for Brob to distinguish himself from the number zero in his mind. …And that would lead to a whole different set of problems. But anyways, let’s get back to Brob, who has quietly been waiting.

…After shoving his new pair of scissors and his new pack of deodorant under his bed, which has all his previous presents under it also (more scissors and deodorant), Brob sits on the giant bean bag in his chair and says to himself out loud “BRRLUNGLPRF….burp.”. After that, he says to himself “Starting New Year’s day, I am going to stop reciting a Hail Mary each time I flush the toilet!”. He declares this with much determination and frightens a squirrel who was at his window.

On New Year’s day Brob eats as though he is preparing for hibernation.

Following New Year’s Day, Brob has already broken his sacred new near resolution; he comes out of the bathroom still chanting a Hail Mary under his breath.Brob now spends the remainder of January doing basically nothing besides annoying his friends with his constant question of whether or not the groundhog will see his shadow on February 2nd.

February 2nd comes and Brob finally finds out if the ground hog saw his shadow or not.

…And then comes the Super Bowl. It’s sad…but “Super Bowl Sunday” (which is, I think, played on the first Sunday of February) is a holiday. It shouldn’t be, by the definition of “holiday” (holy day), but it is. And it’s a big one. Brob gets together along with his other Brobby friends, goes to the richest Brobber of all of them, and watches the Super Bowl. They eat as though they are preparing for hibernation. There will be much “HOOB HOOB HOOB”ing at the Super Bowl party. Everyone will get drunk and disgusting, too.

Now comes Easter Sunday. On this day, Brob goes to church and falls asleep there. After church, he gets all the snacks. Then he takes his kids outside for the church’s Easter egg hung. After the hunt is over, Brob walks conspicuously around, keeping his eyes peeled for any Easter eggs left unopened that he might enjoy.

Up until Valentine’s Day (and beyond), Brob keeps talking to his friends and to himself about the outcome of the Super Bowl. In fact, he keeps talking about it until the end of the next Super Bowl, if even that soon.

After Valentine’s Day passes, Earth day eventually comes around, and Brob obediently turns off his electricity.

When Halloween comes, Brob dresses up like a hobo (not too hard for him) and takes his kids around to get candy. He also brings a bag himself. This is NOT an exaggeration; I handed out candy this year and this exact same thing happened. It was quite comical to witness grown men and women coming to me and just standing there expectantly with their pillowcase open wide. …They might as well have been drooling in front of me on their hands and knees starring wildly at the candy that they would sell their soul for without a second thought.

By Independence Day, Brob has eaten all of his candy, and is cutting into his children’s supply (“You probably don’t remember eating it, son…”).  But that’s okay, because the cycle can begin all over again when he snags as much candy as possible from a parade. If he is desperate, Brob will even go to multiple parades.

Then Thanksgiving comes. Brob almost eats himself to death this time.

After Thanksgiving, Christmas comes. Brob gets the same presents he always gets (scissors and deodorant). Brob goes to church on this day, and falls asleep just like he did at Easter.

…And so the cycle continues.

Have you ever noticed how people are always setting up for the next holiday? It’s like there is no space in-between. Have you even noticed how everyone does their duty to society by being stupid?! Not a lot of people, it seems, think for themselves. Maybe they think that they think for themselves, but everyone else is thinking the same thing.

Do you know what is happening? THE PAGANS ARE STEALING OUR HOLIDAYS, THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING!

They get all the presents and good feelings and store bargains from Christmas, but don’t pay homage to the actual reason of it. They call it “the holidays”. And what is even more ignorant is that they don’t even know what the word “holiday” or the word “X-mas” means. They try to escape calling it by it’s real name and think they succeed…but they don’t. They put up ridiculous lights all over their yard so it looks like a junk yard with a disco ball. If a kid dares to tread on their perfect 2″ by 4″ lawn and get their footprints on the perfect snow, they will yell at them.

Before Thanksgiving even comes, you can hear songs all over the place about “the holidays”. And when December comes, it is even more obvious. To you  I bet none of them even know what Advent is. And if they dot hey think it’s a form of math…something a little lower than algebra, perhaps? THOSE INCOMPETENT FOOLS! They sing songs of poopy little animals and nuts over a fire and some fat guy who looks at you when you are getting dressed…but they don’t even think of the one who is really watching you. It’s idiocy. Nobody even has a fragment of an idea of the actual liturgical calendar and how things work.

Here’s a random poem I made up that has no relevance to the actual post:

He didn’t kill, he didn’t slay;

it is manslaughter, I say!

He didn’t die, he passed away…

Euphemisms, Euphemisms

HEY HEY HEY!

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2 Responses to “Brob and Conformity”

  1. cjoyjump said

    Brilliant post, as usual. Not to mention coincidental. There is a book I am reading called Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis, and it is all about conformity in a commercial world. The sad thing is, the book was written in the 20s, and the same shallow values were as rampant back then as they were today. You should read it, because Babbitt (the main character) bears some major resemblances towards Brob. 😉

  2. CJ said

    So true. People try to leave the name and thought of Christ out of everything. (Woah, I hope I didn’t offend anyone by saying the “C” word!)
    Your story is funny, keep it up. (:

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