Telegraph Voodoo!

November 6, 2010

There are a variety of things you can watch on TV. For those who do not know what TV is, it stands for “Telegraph Voodoo”. Telegraph voodoo is something some people use because they can’t keep their horrible ideas to themselves. If you watch telegraph voodoo on a regular basis, your IQ will drop significantly. What is an IQ? Well I will cover that sometime else.

If you wish to watch telegraph voodoo, you will of course need a telegraph voodoo window. You can buy these for around 9 million dollars at Wal-Mart. You can also buy a cheap one for -5 dollars that will last you -2 seconds.

Once you turn on your telegraph voodoo window, you will notice a lot of shows you can watch. Here is a guide to some things you can watch by using a telegraph voodoo screen.

Let’s start with survival shows. You can find these by searching for keywords like wild, man, survival, etc. You can be sure that you have found one of these shows when a guy dressed in survival attire (cargo pants, T-shirt) talking to you about eating rocks in a fake Australian accent. These tough men go out in the wild with nothing but their knowledge of survival and just…survive for a few weeks. Off-screen, you would find a helicopter, a mobile home, a crew of 20 medics, and everything else essential to surviving in the wild. After you watch this kind of show, you will have learned absolutely nothing and still probably couldn’t survive in your back yard for a night.

There are also ghost shows. In this sort of show, there will be some family that had a “haunting” who are being paid to tell their “story”. After they memorize their lines (or maybe there’s just a projection screen with their lines along with a doughnut background in front of them), they start to tell it. These shows are conveniently vague on the facts and heavy on the emotions and the random cut-scenes of “spooky” lampposts that have nothing to do with the story. Sometimes a parent of the possessed child (or pet dog, goldfish, etc.) will even “cry” a tear while telling the heartbreaking story. I once saw one in which the parents believed that the ghost of a dead girl was haunting their house. Why?

1.) Because the child said that she had an imaginary friend (obviously the ghost…I mean, what little girl has imaginary friends? Oh yeah, all of them…).

2.) The parents were always mad at each other and almost got a divorce (“Ah, let’s blame it on a ghost instead of both of us cheating on each and posting about it on facebook, not knowing the other spouse had a facebook account!”).

3.) The dog was acting strangely (he sat in front of the TV and barked!!! OMG!!!!!)

4.) The electricity went out once.

5.) They saw “shadows”.

6.) The daughter got “pushed” down the stairs by “invisible hands” (it couldn’t have been her just being a klutz!?). An (almost) direct quote from her? “It like, really…felt like, someone literally like, pushed me down the stairs with like, real hands…”

…All obviously blatant ghost signs!

Oh, and did I mention the “ghost busters”? Yeah, people will actually pay 500 bucks to have a team of ghost…people to search their house. Obviously when they come in the will “feel” the evil presence right away, and waste no time in bringing out the equipment (“their equipment” being their ultra-sensitive-ultraviolet-inferred-x-ray-vision-spirit-sensing-you-can’t-understand-the-technology-ray-gun). So yeah, you basically get the gist of that kind of show.

There are also fashion shows. In these shows, they take some pothead and turn her into a fashion model. The make-up phase is particularly interesting. It goes something like this:

“ALRIGHTY, GIRLFRIEND! Let’s get your inner beauty shining! You are guna look FAB-U-LOUS(y) after I’m done with you! <333 ok so first I’mgunaapplythismakeptoyoureyesandnowimapaintyoureyelidsandmakethosecheecksniceandroseywiththisacidperfumeandnowiwillpainteyebrowsonyoubecauseyourcurrenteyebrowsarebasicallynonexistantandnowjustputonthisplasticmaskAND YOU’RE DONE! <3”

…Then we move on to the freak shows. Now I hate to be harsh or whatever, but why do they think that people want to see “the girl who had two heads” …or “the man who got pregnant” or… “half man, half tree”?! Maybe because they want themselves to look good for once. Ironically, most of these shows can be found on the one and only…TLC!

I could go on about apocalypse shows (now these ancient runes tell us that blah blah blah….), history-mystery (IT RHYMES HAHAH SO CLEVER!) shows, game shows (OH NO YOU JUST LOST $9,000,000,000!), destruction shows (let’s see what happens when we set a RUG on fire hahaha we are so scientific!), and many more. But I won’t because nobody wants to read 700+ words criticizing the shows you know and love, and spend countless hours watching.

Here’s a poem for you, because you are such a faithful reader and you make me smile!

Bobby broke his pencil.

Bobby used a pen.

Bobby got the wrong answer.

Bobby lost.

The end.

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One Response to “Telegraph Voodoo!”

  1. Christina said

    Oh, Andrew. You have no idea how you make me LOL.
    Seriously. You don’t.

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