Total Recall!

October 30, 2010

It’s 2:00 in the morning, and I’ve had four cups of coffee. I just talked for an hour with my sister who is in college (making her being up as late as I am a given). Two of my oldest younger sister’s and only older sister’s friends are here with my oldest youngest sister plus my youngest younger brother. I just finished nibbling on a dirty carrot and now my throat itches. It is obviously time to write again.

In blogs that tell about the writer’s life, the writer often focuses on one day, or what happened in the span of a week. Here on The Sporadical, we (I) do not do things like that. We instead choose to write whatever comes to mind; I might write something that happened an hour ago and then write about something that happened four years ago. This is why you should never, ever try to arrange the instances that you read about in my blog in chronological order. If you do put them in chronological order, you will soon have a chronic, illogical disorder.

I just watched a movie with the sleepover folk: “The Boy who Cried Werewolf”. It has a rather interesting plot.

A girl is unpopular in school, although she is pretty like one of those teenage actors from Nickelodeon (hmmmm…). She has glasses. She eats lunch with the “unpopulars”. …This doesn’t soud similar, right?

The girl has an annoying bratty brother. The girl falls in love with a guy. The guy is completely normal; he has a strong accent (which anyone who isn’t profoundly retarded could tell is a fake version of the fake version of accents people usually have on TV shows), he has a haircut that looks good (in the ’80s), and he butchers meat for vampires and werewolves. …So yeah. He is completely normal for a Disney-or whatever- movie character. …But how could I call it a movie? It’s more like a very long, bad TV show.

The girl and the guy are happy until she starts turning into a werewolf.

…I think I am moving too slow with this. I will finish it up in one run-on sentence for you. It won’t even start with a capital letter.

the girl turns into a werewolf and attacks his brother because she is hungry but she doesn’t kill him because that would ruin the plot so she jumps out of a cathedral sized window and their parents don’t even notice because that would also ruin the plot and then the girl who is dating their single dad turns out to be a vampire and the maid turns out to be a vampire hunter and the vampires capture the dad and the bratty kid and the girl who turned into a werewolf and then the evil vampire girlfriend of the naive dad is in the middle of a monologue about how she will take over the castle (don’t ask) but then something unexpected happens which is the bratty kid turning into a werewolf and saving them all and at the end the butler gives the family a lot of money that he suddenly has and they get a mansion and then the girl goes back to school and is popular and she is no longer a werewolf but retains super agility so she is good at sports  now and the most popular guy in school asks her out but she says no because she is already dating the butcher with hair that looks good in the ’80s. The end. Yes, I know it wasn’t a complete run-on sentence because I put a period before “The end”.

Today was Harvest Fest at my school. It is the most fun event of the year. Too bad my mom got sick and I had to go before I could do anything except lose at the cake walk.

Twice.

In the other room, the sleepover folk and my lady’s man wanna-be of a 12-year old brother are watching a movie. I am going to go in and write down the first line I hear.

The line was (I’m not even joking) “You should write a book about all this”.

…No thank you. I can barely write in a blog. If I wrote a book about all this, nobody would read it except the people in Moldova (whom I rule and therefore will force to read it five times a day). …It probably wouldn’t even be a “New York Times Bestseller”. And that’s sad. Because if a book exists, it is automatically a “New York Times Bestseller”. That’s just how it works. If you don’t have that on the cover then….yeah. Pretty much.

Now you get to hear about an unfortunate man.Why do I tell these kind of stories? Because there are too many happy stories. Sometimes life (or death) takes you by surprise, and you need to be reminded of that fact. Then, when it does take you by surprise, it won’t really take you by surprise because you won’t be surprised because you read this story.

There once was a man who held up all things good and wonderful. He was blond with blue eyes but was not a Nazi. He was too good to be true. The only thing that annoyed him were mosquitoes.

One day some members of the mafia were bored, so they cemented his feet together and dropped him into the depths of the dark enveloping sea, from which no man can return.

As he was about to be thrown in, a horde of mosquitoes swarmed about him and bit him all over. He thought to himself “Well, this is it. I’m going to die. But at least I’ve lived a good and upright life, and when I’m underwater there won’t be any more mosquitoes.”

He was then thrown into the sea. He sunk to the bottom. As he was standing upright, the pressure of the water crushing his lungs, he felt a prick. He looked at his arm and on it was a kind of fish that nobody had yet discovered:

The underwater mosquito.

~The End.

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One Response to “Total Recall!”

  1. Christina said

    Wait, the girl was dating a butcher? In high school? How could you be a butcher and be in high school? That movie sounds…interesting. To say the least.

    That story you wrote at the end was so morbid. In fact, it was so morbid that its morbidity put me in a morbidly morbid mood.

    Morbidity aside, I am ecstatic that you have updated. You know what would make me even MORE ecstatic? If you changed “The Sporadical” to “The Regular” and blogged every single day.

    Miss you!

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