Blue Indians! (“Avatar” movie review)

August 21, 2010

I’ll start from the beginning. Let’s call it a review.

….There is a planet that is just like Earth, only everything is bigger and more blue and has teeth. It is called Pandora. It doesn’t make sense that everything is bigger though, because there is no oxygen. The humans want to take charge of this planet because it contains a special ore called (prepare yourself) “unobtainium”.

…Really? Unobtainium?! If you haven’t grasped the stupidity and unoriginality of the word yet, I’ll break it up for you:

un-obtain-ium.

REALLY?!!!? They could have at least come up with nonsensical names for things like in Star Wars. ‘Nuff said. Back to the ‘story’.

At this point there’s something you need to know about that play a slight role in this movie: Navi. The Navi are blue creatures that resemble humans. They are around 12 feet tall and have tails that can plug into other animals like USB ports.

Now, it so happens that the Navi don’t like the humans taking over their planet, so they shoot them with special venom arrows that kill them in seconds.

How do the humans get around this? There are two ways: disguising as Navi by mixing their genes with ours (never heard of that before….), or shooting them.

First they try the former. They have specially trained soldiers for this job. For each soldier, they take some genes and mix it in with Navi genes, and KALABUNGA!, you’ve got yourself a human-Navi ready to go. They call them “Avatars”.

Here’s the twist: One of the soldiers died before the mission started.

OH, NO!

-Wait! He has an identical twin! How convenient! Continue as planned!

His identical twin’s name is-

-oops, I forgot (for real). I’ll just call him Hami. Why “Hami”? Because it’s Human and Navi combined. I figured it would go along with the rest of the movie’s creative names for things.

There’s something about Hami you should know: He is a cripple. But that’s cool because he doesn’t need no stinkin human body! He’s got an Avatar to get into!

How does he get in the avatar body? By falling asleep in a science tube, of course! His brain is now in the Avatar body.

Now it’s time to go on a mission! Mission: Explore Pandora!

To make a long story short, Hami gets separated from the troop, gets in a fight, and gets rescued by a naked blue indian lady (a Navi).

The Navi lady who rescues him (I forgot her name too…does she even have one?) was going to shoot him too, but she sensed that he “has a strong heart”, So instead of killing him she saved him. After killing all the creatures that were attacking him, she kneels down by them and blesses them…or something like that. Apparently they think that everything is god. So…to sum it up, The inhabitants of Pandora practice the religion of Pantheism. Wow, that’s also original.

After she blesses the carcasses of the slimy animals that she killed to save the fake blue indian, she takes him to their tribe.

whooop-de-doo.

When Hami goes asleep in the Navi body, he comes back to his human one. Next time he gets in his Avatar, it’s Banshee choosing time!!

A banshee is apparently a flying dino-type of a thing. For a Navi to become a “true warrior”, he must get a banshee. How do you know if a banshee is your banshee? It will attack you. If you subdue it, then you are “bonded for life” (you will hear that term a lot…). Well Hami gets his banshee alright. They are now ‘bonded for life’.

In the weeks that follow, Hami becomes a better warrior. The Navi lady (I’ll call her Blue Cheeks’) decides to show him some kind of magical place where you can talk to your ancestor Navi. There she tells him about “choosing your mate”. Once you choose a mate, you are “mated for life”. She gives Hami a list of nice, pretty little Navi ladies that he can choose. Hami says “I know who I have chosen”.

Guess who he chooses?

THAT’S RIGHT! HER! …How did you know. Oh, that’s right! That’s what happens in all of the movies! So yeah. They mate in the woods. They are now “mated for life”. There’s a problem, though: Blue Cheeks is the Chief’s daughter.

WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK?!!

I mean, that never happens in any movies, right?

The father doesn’t like their relationship, but the mother sees Hami’s “strong heart”, so he gets the girl.

A while later, one of Hami’s friends (also in an Avatar) is killed. Hami and all the other Navi try to save her by bringing her before “Mother Gaia”, but it doesn’t work and she dies. This is what happens when the writers of “Avatar” don’t know what to do with a character.

In the meantime, the army dude back at the human camp is getting restless. He wants to attack the Navi.

He does, and Hami decides to help the Navi defend against the “sky people”. Yes, that really is what the Navi call the humans. In fact, even Hami calls the humans “sky people”, even though he is one of them.

A little before the battle, Blue Cheeks (to whom he is “mated for life”) breaks up with him because she thinks he is a traitor. Oh, well. So much for “mated for life”!

During the battle, Hami decides that his banshee (with whom he is “bonded for life”) isn’t good enough, so he gets another bigger banshee. Oh, well. So much for “bonded for life”!

After some fighting, the evil humans set fire to the Navi’s “spirit tree”.

OH, NO!

In the final stage of the battle, the Navi have won, but there’s something wrong…

…The general (human) is about to kill Hami with his battle suit! Nooooooooooo!

I bet you can guess who rescues him. Yup, you got it again. His girlfriend came back to him!

Can you guess what happens next? Of course: his girlfriend gave him enough time to kill the bad guy but gets crushed by a tree in the process. But that’s okay, because his girlfriend is a main character, so she’s invincible (unlike Hami’s friends, 4 of which die in 5 seconds)!

At the end of the “evil cowboys vs. nature-friendly indians” fight, the Navi escort the humans back to their spaceships and everyone is happy.

Oh, and Mother Gaia decides to magically make it so that Hami can always be in a Navi body. The End.

PROS:

Good special effects.

Cons:

The whole movie is actually a con.

IN SUMMARY:

A bad movie, but so cliche and full of propaganda that you should see it “for the lulz”.

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2 Responses to “Blue Indians! (“Avatar” movie review)”

  1. Christina said

    This made me laugh really hard. Like, REALLY hard.

  2. vibes01 said

    that was funny…

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