The Fat Hippo and the Annoying Bird who had a Troubled Past

August 16, 2010

It’s time to write again. “Already?!” you are probably saying. “I can’t be reading this! The Sporadical never gets updated! I had better stab myself with one of my claymores to make sure I’m not dreaming!”

Bad idea.

I know that nobody likes long entries like the ones I usually write, but the last one was what…five sentences? So wallah. Here’s the next post. Read it and love it. Or else.

Guess what!? It’s story time! Here it is:

You wouldn’t know, but I saved this as a draft a few days ago. I was putting it off a couple minutes ago while looking at facebook pictures. After waiting around 7 minutes for a picture to load only to find an almost identical one after it, I closed the demonic facebook and found this post lying around in the drafts section. “What the friggin stroganoff are you?!” I said to it.

“I’m a frebaugalooging post you idiot omg wat tha froth finish me you n00b!” It replied.

“Oh, okay……” I said. I think that if I don’t finish it by the time I go to bed it will eat me…

So anyway, I guess you want to hear about my life or something.

A few days ago my dad took my out to get some things for the upcoming soccer season for my school. Well, actually it’s not ‘upcoming’ because I already missed the first couple practices. Oh, well.

We first went to Wal-Mart. When I tried to get a cart, it was stuck to another one. I looked at the cart in anger and it melted. I continued.

We went to the ‘shoes’ section, which is in the back. We were chuggin’ speedily along the isle when two obese people appeared in front of us. One of them has a disgusting pink shirt on, and another had a black one that said “OH YEAH!” on the back. “Excuse me,” I said with a comma at the end of my sentence. They made no reply, but simply waddle-shuffled to the side.

We arrived at the shoe section. The only cleats they had were in a pile just like everything else in Wal-Mart, including the people. The cleats made me feel like I was in two Tupperware containers. ‘Nuff said.

Before we left the accursed place, my dad had some batteries and grapes to buy. There were only two check-out stations opened. Have you ever seen the movie, “The Ten Commandments”? There is one scene in which thousands of Hebrews are finally escaping bondage. They form a line, slowly but surely getting out of the horrible place. …This situation doesn’t fall far from the one we had at Wal-Mart. However, just as the Hebrews arrived at the promised land (after over 40 years), my dad and I arrived outside of Wal-Mart with our grapes and batteries.

If you have the ignorance dire need to go to Wal-Mart, or if you escape out to the parking lot alive, you will notice that there are as many carts in the parking lot as cars (maybe more). I name these ‘rouge carts’. They are carts that lazy people have discarded after loading their merchandise into their car, and in doing so disregarding everyone else in the vicinity. I don’t know why they can’t just shove the cart into one of the many cart stations in the parking lot; there are so many of them that you have a good chance of getting your cart in if you drop it from a helicopter. But yeah…anyways,

The next stop was The Sports Authority. Guess what we found there that we didn’t find at Wal-Mart? Well for one thing, better carts. I don’t know how, but just pushing the cart made me feel like I was driving a fast European sports car…

Oh, we also great cleats, and these rubber thingys that you put inside your cleat (under the heal) to make you more comfortable and to absorb shock (which I guess makes you more comfortable…).

That concludes the post.

…You know that thing that I always put at the end of my posts that make it a heck ‘o a lot better (except the last post; I forgot it)? Well instead of that, I have a story to share with you! Before you read it, you need to know something:

There once lived a fat hippo and an annoying bird who had a troubled past. The annoying bird was always sitting on top of the hippo, which was very annoying. Then, the hippo made a plan to kill the annoying bird.

There. Now try to enjoy the story.

FAT HIPPO: Hello, my annoying but sorrowful friend whom I pity because of his ever-growing troublesome past!

ANNOYING BIRD: Greeting, my rich and fat friend whom I envy so much! How goes it?

FAT HIPPO: All is well, thank you!

(silence)

FAT HIPPO: May I humor you with a joke this fine afternoon, my dearest acquaintance whom I loath with a never ending waterfall of consuming hatred?

ANNOYING BIRD: Go ahead, my vast friend!

FAT HIPPO: Alright then! What did the Zebra say when an earthquake came?

ANNOYING BIRD: Do tell!

FAT HIPPO: He said “THIS IS TERRABLE!”

ANNOYING BIRD: Oh…by Jove….I’m dying!

(the bird dies)

FAT HIPPO: Ah, well. He always was kind of……….ANNOYING.

THE END!


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One Response to “The Fat Hippo and the Annoying Bird who had a Troubled Past”

  1. Gabrielle said

    Yay! You spoke with a comma at the end of your sentence! I cheered when I read that. I’m so proud. You are now not only cool but awesome too. Congratulations!

    Also, I was very disturbed that WP had linked a post about miley cyrus to your blog in the possibly related section. Then I realised that it was miley the dog, not miley the… other dog? There’s also a post by some slightly emo dude trying to convince us that he’s okay with himself, and another person rambling about whether they can be bothered to delete their blog. What is WP trying to tell you about this post? I think you’ve confused it too.

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